I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
