I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
