it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
