I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
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