i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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