areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
