I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
