Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
