thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
