my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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