"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
