you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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