jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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