so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
