The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
