im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
