Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
