how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
