I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
