the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
