hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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