so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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