Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It's blow job season.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
