there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
