It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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