Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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