I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
