Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
