I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
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