one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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