I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
