I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
