Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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