Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
