is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
