In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
