I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
