Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
