Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
