saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
