I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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