I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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