Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
So I just went to clothing optional bar
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
