No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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