I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
