you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
