Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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