Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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