i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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