First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
