It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
